Living With A Pain

It's been now, about 7 days since I last posted. Not one visit to MDA or any service there, nary a blood draw. We are enjoying a nice Texas Indian Summer. We had a little rain shower this week, not a drought buster but enough to water the grass. My leukemia seems to still be behaving itself. My energy level is fairly constant. I take a rest pretty much each day and sleep well at night. My back continues to hurt  requiring pain meds from time to time. So this week I have been thinking about what my life looks like or at least will look like from here on in. I have to recognize that  I have crushed vertabrae. That will not go away. There will always be pain there and fatigue in the lower back. I have a hard time accepting the fact I can no longer do for myself the physical things I used to do. Yesterday Lynne lifted the groceries into the trunk of the car while I watched.  As people walked by I wondered what they were thinking. "What a Jerk!" or "He's got her well trained." It has become important that I learn to ask for help with things that I can no longer do for myself, and to say "thanks". I know that there are many things in life that define who I am. One of those has always been the physical side of life. I like physical work. I cannot do many of those things anymore. I know. Cliches abound. Here's the thing though. There is a grain of truth in every cliche. I am not the man I used to be and never will be again. I have a hard time accepting that. That is a loss that I grieve. I know there are others ways to be. I know that rationally. It's the "catching up' of the rest of me that will take time and practise and it is frustrating. It's a waking up each morning and mentally checking the pain level and wondering what I can do today, wondering if it will be better than yesterday and can I do this, that, or the other thing. I think I can split that wood today. Really? Those around me that know me and love me do well to learn to say, "Go ahead Stupid".