Hope In A Dark Time

   We stayed glued to the TV all day, my wife and I, as the events of Newtown were reported for the world to see. All kinds of descriptive words were used and we added our own to the mix. As we watched we saw the fear and pain and like others, I'm sure, we wondered  what that must have felt like for those parents, little innocent children shot and sent to an early grave. And I wondered about the phrase that was used, that "evil visited this community today". It seems that evil as a power, still has some credulity as a force that seeks to destroy life.

   I thought about the Cain and Abel story in Genesis, about Cain being warned about sin crouching like a predator waiting to devour. And Cain gave in and Abel lay lifeless. Cain was held accountable. He could have stopped. It suits us well, when we cannot comprehend what happened in places like Newtown to say, "evil visited" us today. That crouching evil exists still and when we see the events played out like that it suits us well to call it "evil". And we have not, for all of our understanding of human nature and mental illness, been able to stem the tide and our fear is that it is getting worse, in frequency and in numbers. Evil it is. We will find out a great deal more of Adam from Newtown in the days to come. We will listen to politicians discuss gun control 'til they're blue in the face as though controlling guns will control the crouching sin and mental health. I am convinced we cannot give up, but it is by no means a new issue. The biblical story tells us that what we saw and heard visit the city of Newtown, that this "evil" has been "visiting" us since the beginning of time and does so all over the world.

  Christmas is coming. It is just as important to hold up the hope of the season as it is to name that evil that is in the world seeking to destroy it. Merry Christmas!! It is our hope.

New International Version (©1984)   John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

"They're Boring"

"They're boring." That's what Isaac said when he looked at my blood test results. "They're so normal, they're boring", he said. I got excited when I saw them, since they have been good, better, and now the best since the stem cell transplant. If this keeps up I will be able to discontinue the steroids next week and then will begin to step down on the tacrolimus, the immune suppressor. If I can cut back on that then I can cut back on the magnesium. If I can cut back on the mag. I can cut back on the imodium. Although drugs have been my lifeline, they have caused their own share of challenges along the way, what with side effects, interactions, and the necessity of timing. I do not remember anymore, not taking medicines, since this started, up to 35 to 40 a day. I just had my 9 month checkup since the transplant, including bone marrow biopsy and CT scan. NO CANCER CELLS IN THE MARROW and NO NEW OPPORTUNISTIC CANCERS SHOWED UP in the CT scan. BORING? TO ME ? NEVER!!!

It's his training. In med school they are taught to look for bad things, like a pig after truffles. Me? If I see bad things I want to go into denial. To me these will never be boring. Thanks be to God for a good report.

Happy Thanksgiving

GARY ALLAN LYRICS

 

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning         
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,      
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free

I first heard this song last Friday on my way down to MDA for my weekly clinic visit. It threw me a curve. On a scrap of paper on the seat of the car I scribbled down the phrase, that part about "the  storm runs out of rain, the heartache runs out of pain, runs out of sting". No. Wait. It said every storm runs out of rain. It was not so much a word of promise or an offering of comfort to me as it was the realization of how, now just shy of 2 years of my diagnosis, and an even more agonizing 1 and 1/2 years since Josh's death by cancer and an excruciating "good-bye", there is much we have endured. Overwhelmed by the twisting tempests of cancer, we have rode out the storm. Now my CLL prognosis has a sunny forecast and yes, Josh will forever be missed and the aching will continue but much of the rawness is gone and our remembrance has more to do with our fondness and our love for him. It's running out of rain. It's running out of pain. To remember our path and to have survived, causes me to be amazed and I truly do give up "Thanks to God"  
                       Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

Question?

To Cameron VSJ who has a question, go ahead and ask.

The Indian Summer of Time

Summer is making an effort to say farewell and for a couple of weeks now autumn has been peeking around the corner. Ah, one of my favorite times of the year. It was a year ago now that we found out  that my brother, Dirk, was not able to donate his stem cells and we would then wait for another donor. I remember feeling very well then and wondering why a transplant? Let's just wait and see. Maybe it will go away. Well, now a year later and 6 months after the transplant, I am finally beginning to feel as well now as I did then. The blood counts are good, the appetite is good, energy level is coming back, there was no cancer in the last bone marrow biopsy, and with therapy, my disposition and outlook are much improved. So they are tweaking the meds and adjusting dosages. I had an issue a few weeks back with GraftvsHost Disease affecting my stomach and skin. This will be my biggest challenge for the rest of my life. Most anything can set it off like an infection, bacteria, virus, fungus, or too much sun, or something I eat. As my immune system gets stronger it will be less likely, but always there. My visits to MDA should become fewer and farther between. So with all that in my pannier and Indian Summer I'm doing well.

Enjoying the Wife of My Youth (Prov. 5:18)

She was checking our pony, Scout, where she'd been bumped by a car. Scout was in a great deal of pain and we feared perhaps a fracture. I hold the halter around a post and Lynne massages the muscles for quite some time. Although not able to bear weight there appears to be no breaks that we can tell. Watch and wait. So we check repeatedly, over a period of several days. She's improving.

While I am standing there and I am watching Lynne undertaking this daily enterprize I am struck be the fact that I used to do these.  I was accustomed to doing these things. I am now no longer able to do this, and not just this one but many, many others as well, I remember feeling so gratified, thank full for Lynne and for her stepping in with my care and with the chores and all the tedious travail of a daily nature once relegated to the man of the house, and she shed not one bit of her femininity in the process. Here's to you Hon. Thanks and I love you. Now some 3 months later Scout has not so much as a limp.

Changing the Pace

When composing a blog there is the notion that I am composing and working at weaving a story or theme around some incident and use whatever creative techniques  that are available to bring out the incident and make it as memorable for others as it is for me. Then there are other times I tell the story and the nuances of the story are up to the readers to interpret or add with their imaginations to pick out the importance of different aspects of the story. The latter is easier.

And lately the latter is my inclination. #1. Since the last time I wrote,  the steroids have controlled the GVHD, the appetite is returning, and the sleep is still irregular and in shorter segments. I have followed through on my decision to get some psychological help. That goes well. We have identified some things that I can look at more closely towards working through my grief of Josh's death and the loss of my own health.
I think I am turning a corner.

#2. The other night Lynne and I were watching a T.V. comedy. One line in there struck us as being so funny that we were both laughing to the point of tears. We have not done that in so, so long.  See? Another way to say I appear to be turning a corner.