The Gift Of Life

 I went back and reread the bogs, correction, blogs and could see the pattern. I'm thinking a lot of late of my dying.  From what I know, from what I have read, from what the doctors know,  from what the research shows,  this disease I have with it's particular chromosomal mutations, at our present level of medical ignorance, (as Isaac would say), there is a 25% to 30% mortality rate for the Stem Cell Transplant procedure and all of the complications that accompany this procedure. And 3 to 5 years out, depending on the study  at which you look, it increases, perhaps to 50% . I keep telling myself I need to state those statistics the other way, that there is a 70% to 75% survival rate. Morbid is what I feel sometimes. When we were taking the family history no one could miss the fact that out of 10 of us siblings there are 2 sisters who have been treated for breast cancer, 1 brother treated for prostate cancer, myself being treated for leukemia, 2 brother-in-laws that have died from cancer and closest to home, our son, Joshua, who died this past year from thymus cancer. Morbidity. Cancer is all around.

 That's where I can get bogged down. Simply put I know this could kill me. And that is the enemy with whom  or with which I wrestle . If I live, no problemo. I can handle that. I know how to do that.  It is the dying that grips me now. It is this that looms before me. It is this "Wild Mouse Roller Coaster" type of plunge and I am 12 again, wanting to get off, to grab that frame and stop the ride that grips me. No rehearsal. No dry runs. No practice sessions. It brings back memories of when Josh and I were talking after he began to realize that his cancer treatment would not have a good outcome and that he was dying. He said, "I'm scared".  We talked about Jesus' promise of being there for us and taking us in and having room for us. "How do you know for sure?",  Josh asked.  And that is the clincher isn't it - the knowing for sure, with the same  kind of  childhood certainty that we knew 1+1=2, isn't it? But no, this knowing is a trusting  because someone said so and that's different. There is nothing empirical about that one. Jesus even suggests it's easier for little ones, this  trusting who he is and what he said and what others said about him. Here's the "good news" on that one. I trust Jesus on that one. Perhaps I am a kid yet, as has been suggested when I'm told to grow up. Some might even suggest that, that self assurance I have is arrogant, that Jesus loves me and will welcome me. I got to tell you though, that from where I'm sitting,  arrogant or not, there is no substitute for it. I wish everyone knew that. So I do not wrestle with that.

So with what do I wrestle? Primarily it is this. I just do not want to die, at least not yet. And my gut reaction - if you were to ask why? "I'm not finished yet", would be my answer. I do not want to leave because I love this life as well and I get great pleasure in it. I do admit to running the risk of being morbid at times but I do love this life and get great pleasure form living. There is a scene in the movie, "Chariots of Fire" that has been etched in mind. Eric Liddell is practising for the Olympics and his sister is challenging him to go to the mission fields to which he replies, "God has made me to run fast and I want to experience his pleasure." There is much of God's pleasure I wish yet to enjoy.

Westminster Shorter Catechism 1

Question: What is the chief end of man?

Answer: Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.