Boring Is Good

As the year draws to a close I am doing well. 2 weeks ago they reduced my tacrolimus and cut out my steroids altogether. Last week they reduced my tacro again (this is a medication to control the immune system so it does not attack the stem cell and vice versa). I have had some problems with this in the past the last time they tried to reduce these medications. So we will watch that one closely. If it begins to happen again they will bring back the steroids. It will be more adjusting and monitoring. The last time I had an infection and was hospitalized was back in Aug. I know that does not seem so long but it is good for me. I spend a lot of time at home and away from crowds to avoid the flu. As the immune suppressors are reduced maybe I will have some resistance to hold at bay any infections. Some of you in your greetings this season have included "good health" for the New Year. Thanks. I do believe my progress, even though it has had its ups and downs, has been how the doctors have wanted it to go, if not even a little better than expectations. It does feel sooo gooood, and I know Lynne and my family are relieved and are thankful. So this is one of those updates based on the labs and reports that are "boring". Isaac reminded me that I need to include that "boring" is a good thing. So boring it is, and boring is good and I will take it.

I'm The Only One Left

The world came to an end this morning and I woke up as ususal. I guess I'm the only one left. I don't see any one else. No, no, wait. My wife's still here too. So it must be just the 2 of us. No, no, wait. Our cats are still here. And I see our neighbor now too. There are his dogs. Soo ....I may have to rethink this.

Changing The Pace

Recently I went back and reread all of my blogs in sequence. It was quite a journey. In that  period of time I rode again the emotional roller coaster of feelings, up and down, from one day to the next. I was surprised at how intense it was. My brother Dirk asked, "Do you talk about anything else besides the cancer?" Quite frankly not much else during this past 2 years. That certainly was true of the blog. And I started the blog for just that reason. It was always my intent to use this as a way to help process my feelings and to help others who were interested in following our journey. Now it has become less of an intense journey and the risks are beginning to diminish. Entries have become less frequent and reports, in Isaac's words, "boring". So in terms of keeping you posted of my progress it will become even less frequent and more carbon copy of last months report, or ditto. I even thought of just shutting it down. That's an option. I have, however, decided to follow another path, at least for a while anyway. I have thought that I might enjoy doing blogs like the previous posting and will experiment with that. I was told by a therapist that I have a rich inner life, (could be code for introvert or recluse). So we'll mix it up and do a little of both.

Hope In A Dark Time

   We stayed glued to the TV all day, my wife and I, as the events of Newtown were reported for the world to see. All kinds of descriptive words were used and we added our own to the mix. As we watched we saw the fear and pain and like others, I'm sure, we wondered  what that must have felt like for those parents, little innocent children shot and sent to an early grave. And I wondered about the phrase that was used, that "evil visited this community today". It seems that evil as a power, still has some credulity as a force that seeks to destroy life.

   I thought about the Cain and Abel story in Genesis, about Cain being warned about sin crouching like a predator waiting to devour. And Cain gave in and Abel lay lifeless. Cain was held accountable. He could have stopped. It suits us well, when we cannot comprehend what happened in places like Newtown to say, "evil visited" us today. That crouching evil exists still and when we see the events played out like that it suits us well to call it "evil". And we have not, for all of our understanding of human nature and mental illness, been able to stem the tide and our fear is that it is getting worse, in frequency and in numbers. Evil it is. We will find out a great deal more of Adam from Newtown in the days to come. We will listen to politicians discuss gun control 'til they're blue in the face as though controlling guns will control the crouching sin and mental health. I am convinced we cannot give up, but it is by no means a new issue. The biblical story tells us that what we saw and heard visit the city of Newtown, that this "evil" has been "visiting" us since the beginning of time and does so all over the world.

  Christmas is coming. It is just as important to hold up the hope of the season as it is to name that evil that is in the world seeking to destroy it. Merry Christmas!! It is our hope.

New International Version (©1984)   John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

"They're Boring"

"They're boring." That's what Isaac said when he looked at my blood test results. "They're so normal, they're boring", he said. I got excited when I saw them, since they have been good, better, and now the best since the stem cell transplant. If this keeps up I will be able to discontinue the steroids next week and then will begin to step down on the tacrolimus, the immune suppressor. If I can cut back on that then I can cut back on the magnesium. If I can cut back on the mag. I can cut back on the imodium. Although drugs have been my lifeline, they have caused their own share of challenges along the way, what with side effects, interactions, and the necessity of timing. I do not remember anymore, not taking medicines, since this started, up to 35 to 40 a day. I just had my 9 month checkup since the transplant, including bone marrow biopsy and CT scan. NO CANCER CELLS IN THE MARROW and NO NEW OPPORTUNISTIC CANCERS SHOWED UP in the CT scan. BORING? TO ME ? NEVER!!!

It's his training. In med school they are taught to look for bad things, like a pig after truffles. Me? If I see bad things I want to go into denial. To me these will never be boring. Thanks be to God for a good report.

Happy Thanksgiving

GARY ALLAN LYRICS

 

"Every Storm (Runs Out Of Rain)"

I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning         
I know you're feeling like you just can't win, but you're trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on, when you're being pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, just keep spinning down, 'round, down…

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

So hold your head up and tell yourself that there's something more
Walk out that door
Go find a new rose, don't be afraid of the thorns
'Cause we all have thorns
Just put your feet up to the edge, put your face in the wind
And when you fall back down, keep on rememberin'

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna run out of pain
It's gonna run out of sting
It's gonna leave you alone
It's gonna set you free
Set you free

Every storm runs, runs out of rain
Just like every dark night turns into day
Every heartache will fade away
Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain

It's gonna set you free,      
It's gonna run out of pain,
It's gonna set you free

I first heard this song last Friday on my way down to MDA for my weekly clinic visit. It threw me a curve. On a scrap of paper on the seat of the car I scribbled down the phrase, that part about "the  storm runs out of rain, the heartache runs out of pain, runs out of sting". No. Wait. It said every storm runs out of rain. It was not so much a word of promise or an offering of comfort to me as it was the realization of how, now just shy of 2 years of my diagnosis, and an even more agonizing 1 and 1/2 years since Josh's death by cancer and an excruciating "good-bye", there is much we have endured. Overwhelmed by the twisting tempests of cancer, we have rode out the storm. Now my CLL prognosis has a sunny forecast and yes, Josh will forever be missed and the aching will continue but much of the rawness is gone and our remembrance has more to do with our fondness and our love for him. It's running out of rain. It's running out of pain. To remember our path and to have survived, causes me to be amazed and I truly do give up "Thanks to God"  
                       Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

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