Good For The Long Haul?

The last few days I have felt a diminishing of the feeling of gratitude for how well I have felt and how my  treatment is progressing. Some of it stems from the episode in the ER. After processing the results of the MRI it appears there is continued deterioration of the vertebrae and the spinal area, so much so that it probably will require some kind of surgery. Here's where this all begins to get nasty. If I was dealing with just the CLL and the Transplant that would be one matter, one focus, and that was what we set out to do after the initial back surgery over a year ago. However, there are so many facets to the treatment of cancer that are trade offs that it is never that simple. In order to treat cancer there are a host of side effects to the medications used and many of them create havoc on the bones as well as the other parts of the body like the organs. So far my organs are holding up. My bones, not so well. We are, after all treating the cancer so you trade the side effects of chemo for being able to knock the cancer down and you trade the side effects of steroids for the control of GVHD disease, and the side effects of this for that. And it is the Cancer we after. And that is working. It has felt like 3 steps forward and 2 back on some days and progress has to be measured over a long period of time. And when I consider we have been at this for 15 months that is a long time to be a patient and yet it is not, as far cancer is concerned. There are days it feels like the tank is empty. The things I would normally do for recreation or diversion are things I shouldn't do anymore. So we keep plugging away. For example I am on schedule to take total of about 30 pills today and try to keep my gut happy in the process and that requires more meds to offset that. Then I have to sit for about 30 minutes because of the side effects, like blurred vision and flashing lights. Then there are the two to three trips to MDA every week on top of that. Every thing in my life turns around cancer. So there are days my tank feels empty and my "give a damn's busted" at the thought of keeping this up for at least another year perhaps two. I am exhausted from the toll that cancer and the treatment of cancer is taking, not only on me but also my family.

Having said all of that, I am not in any way giving up, rather just letting emotions percolate. However I will find something I can do today that will take my mind off of CANCER!