Three Steps Forward Two Back

It started last summer and at first blush it did not seem to be a big thing. Dr. Khouri had ordered an x-ray of my shoulders and there was evidence of arthritis in both shoulders. I was then referred to  rheumatology. Dr. Tayar recommended steroid shots and physical therapy. The steroid shots brought a great deal of relief and lasted about 5 months. It felt good and the physical therapy helped with the range of motion of my arms and shoulders. However, one of the exercises that the therapist used would cause a burning on the underside of my forearm. This is the "However" part of that sentence; the burning has continued and in the last 6 to 8 weeks it has increased and is bilateral and has moved down to the hands and more specifically to the thumbs. The bilateral part suggests somewhere in the neck the nerves are having a problem. So as I write this I am in the neurologist office for the first of three tests today, a electromyography (EMG), an x-ray of my left elbow, and an MRI of the c-spine.

So what goes through your mind? Any speculations? Well here's what we do. By we, I mean cancer patients. We think the worst. That's what we do. After all, we are cancer patients. We have already had cancer. We have had to come to terms with that "C" word before. No amount of denial, no amount of yelling, "Run the tests again. There must be mistake", will change the results. We have had to look this one in the eye before. And even if they say, " it's in remission", deep down inside we have a hunch it's still lurking in there somewhere. Remission never seems to have a forever ring to it. That's what goes through my mind. We are cancer patients. That's where I live. That "damned C" ended our son's life, has threatened mine, and could it now be back for the "knock out punch"? O how  the mind races down a road from "0" to "C" in 1 second flat. I have been practicing in my mind, the suspension of all my imaginings until we know for sure. That helps some.

Since I started this post this morning I have had my EMG. The Dr., running the test, speculated about the possible reasons for the mild to moderate diminished motor and sensory functions that showed up in both arms and hands. Nothing there on which to hang my hat though, but it could be as simple as an autoimmune inflammation of the nerves and now that I am no longer on the immune suppression meds it could reverse itself as my own immune systems gets stronger, or it could mean a round of steroids. It was good to hear. The MRI this afternoon should help fill in some more of the picture and we will probably not know anything on that until next week.

So we wait and wait and wait. And I go back and forth and back and forth (and you can add however many of the forths  and backs you wish). I could, at one time, go into denial but not anymore. The other night when I was feeling particularly low, Lynne and I talked about the possibility of another cancer. I wondered out loud, "Can I do this again?". And from deep inside I found myself saying out loud, "I think I can.". So knowing that, no matter what tomorrow holds, we know the One who holds it.