The Slippery Slope

My health is good. There is nothing that is creeping in except........ and that is always the clincher. It seems like every ache and pain is the next catastrophic threat, in my mind, coming down the tube at  me. It's official now. I'm paranoid and a hypochondriac with tendencies to illusions and vivid imaginings. A twitch in the eye, an ache in the thumb, a chill in a toe, a sneeze. Why any one of these could be my impending doom. Slowly I talk myself off that slope. I shrug my shoulders and say to myself, "silly me".

Sometimes there are too many stories out there of folks having bad outcomes. Isaac said, "You and Google. A dangerous pair." I was told early on, to stay off Google and then also told, an informed patient is a better.....Wait, back up. That's it. That word patient. It speaks volumes. Every day, all day, I am a patient. When I get up in the morning I move my hands, then my fingers, especially my thumbs. Has the neuropathy moved further? I do the same with my feet. I check my throat. Is there any soreness? Mucous? Any fever? That itch? GVHD? Even as I write this, my right eye is watering and the vision is a little blurry. I did have indications of cataracts beginning, according to the ophthalmologist. Maybe it is changing. I stopped just now to massage my right thumb to relieve the numbness of the neuropathy. I had 13 appointments for Oct. and Nov. They are still poking and prodding and medicating and testing and boring into bones and spinning the CTs and MRIs peering inward where eyes have never gone before, to get a better look. These are sharp things, loud things, distasteful things, embarrassing things. For almost every appointment, they ask me to remove my clothing. Really? I have a theory about that. It is so you won't run away when they come at you with their poking and prodding and boring and spinning and such. I'm not a normal person anymore. Lynne says I never was.

 They are watching and looking for anomalies, bad things, dangerous things in order to intercept and remedy. Seriously though, they really are good and well intended people and I mean them no disrespect. They are my friends. The truth be known? I tire of being a patient and walking slippery slopes and losing my balance and afraid of sliding aaaalllllll the way down. After awhile I get to, "Silly me".