Emoting: It's Not A Bird Disease

In response to an intense Interpersonal Group Session, through tears and sniffles, George said, "I don't know why we have to be emoting all the time?". It was hard for George to embrace the intense emotions we all are capable of experiencing, and when he got close to his emotions  he wanted to shut down. Finally he couldn't hold back the tears and he began to "emote" as  he would call it. When I heard the word I chuckled. I was not familiar with it and thought it sounded more like a bird disease. George gave me  a word that has been a good reminder, to  me, that what's inside, especially if it's been bottled up it needs to come out, even though "emoting" sounds like a bird disease.  Consider the following.

Friday, was a big day. Didn't realize how big it was until after Friday night and Saturday. So I will work backwards.  Saturday I am exhausted. Lynne is as well. We functioned as though we were drained of every thing. No gas left in the tank. Well, that's not entirely true. I produce lots of gas. What with all the magnesium I take. I digress.  Both Lynne and I are tired and spent. And looking back I know that I only slept about 3 hours on Friday night. Lynne also slept not well. Maybe a couple of hours of deep sleep between the 2 of us. As I traced our emotions for Friday every thing was right there just under the surface.

 For example as we walk through the lobby at MDACC here comes a kid, no more than 7 years of age, no hair, pushing his little brother or sister in a stroller and they are laughing. Lynne went to tears immediately and I shortly after for the child as well as for Lynne because I know her heart. "The Suffering of the Age of Innocence" should be a title of a book. So that was one clue we were primed for some ups and downs.

 Number  two was, I had received a call from the Stem Cell Donor Search Office. Katherine called to let us know that the donor of my "life saving" stem cells had agreed to get in touch with us. One year after the transplant we are asked if we would like to know the donor. We have to wait a year for many different reasons and it is part of the protocol. We had said "Yes". Katherine would have the envelope at the desk for us with the contact information about the donor in it. The envelope please?  We had it in our hands and there was no good time to open it right there so we opted to wait until we got home. When we got home I opened it and as I did the emotions came to the top again. So we knew that, that going into today, that we would get this name of a person who was a complete stranger to us.

Then of course an obvious third  reason is what I posted yesterday, the results of the CT scan. It even crossed my mind that when I imagined thanking Brian, yes his name is Brian, would I be thanking him for 2  or 3 years or will this go through some  many more birthdays. Either way I am thankful. I, who am a stranger thank him for his gift to me. Now we are no longer strangers. The emotions flowed freely again as I opened the envelope. I said that twice didn't I? Can you see we are bouncing all over the place?

 And fourthly, March 8th is the 1st Birthday of my new life, thanks to Brian and his stem cells, and today, April 14th, is the day I thank, my deceased Mother and Father, for my physical Birthday, number 66. (No you can't do anything with  just 2 sixes.)

And finally, there is another element worth sharing. While Lynne and I were talking I had said to her that it was such a relief to hear those words from Dr. Khouri. And she said something to the affect, that I could not hear that form God, that it took a man to give me that release. I truly do see him as God's gift to transplant patients. He does his job well and shares his gifts to many and especially  to me. The point is that for low these 2 years I have been in a battle, fighting a disease that wants to kill me, emotionally and physically and passing the 2 year mark as a survivor in January and 1 year as a Stem Cell survivor in March and now the spot on my lung is going away and is naught  about which to be concerned? That's big. They are big ones for me and I was seeing some light on the horizon and not a light in a tunnel and that is huge, so very awesome. And to punctuate that, Dr. Khouri said I don't need to come back for  ONE MONTH. That's four weeks. I will miss you, "my friend" for those weeks. ("My friend", was his salutation to me when he entered the room.)

There is much for which to be "thankful" and we are. And again I say, "Alright" with the left arm raised as a salute of praise.

"If you help someone from whom you expect a return, what credit is that to you? That's the kind thing, and a good one, that every one can do. But if you do good things without expectation of any thing in return, then you will children of the Most High and your rewards will  be great." Luke  6:34-36 ( Abe's paraphrase)

And don't forget how I have been given a new life by the blood of another. That's quite a metaphor. Thank you Brian.