Lynne and I were putting up a fence to create a larger area for our yard yesterday and as she was pounding in the steel posts with the post driver and I was holding the panel (It's our new division of labor agreement. She does the heavy stuff. I direct traffic.) I'm picturing the next step and the next section and she's standing there mentally somewhere else. I thought to myself let's see what happens and see when she comes back to task. There is a good reason for that because for the last year or two either of us can drift off into other trains of thought and that can be important stuff. We do a lot of remebering that way, especially Lynne. Finally she asked, "Could we plant roses along this fence"? I chuckled. It was an excellent illustration of her non-linear thought processes. She stopped building fence and went to planting flowers. I, on the other hand am more linear and am thinking about the next stage, the next post, the gate, the next panel and how will this line up with that fence over there. They are good complements to have when working together as long as they are recognized as complementary. We should end up with a good fence with pretty flowers in front of it. When we were building the house the construction fell to me to follow the steps and do the constructing. When it came to interior decorating, that was Lynne's realm.
Why do I bring this up? Lately I have been thinking about how I process this entire portion of my life, that part that has cancer in it and that includes our son, Joshua's cancer as well. Having a linear orientation to life I can see how I looked at life as, growing up, raising the children, they have children, we live to be old and older and then we say goodbye and die. The coffee mug that reads, "If you live a good life, say your prayers, when you grow old and die you'll go to Texas". That's some clear linear thinking with some bad theology mixed in, but it makes its point. For me life follows a road. On that road parents do not bury thier own children. Where in the world, this crazy world, did I get that notion?
Even at the beginning of my diagnosis I said there must be some mistake. Take the blankity blank tests again, and even when I had accepted that I had Leukemia I was convinced this was a slow acting disease that we could monitor with a "wait and see" approach and life would go on for 7 to 10 years.
It was not to be. They ran the tests again.
On that road of life, that wonderful linear road we have had, we have run head on into cancer like hitting a proverbial Mac truck. That wreck has in 15 months taken Joshua's life, Ethan and Kate's dad, Anna's soul mate, Chris and Isaac's brother, his grand parent's precious boy, and our son and now cancer threatens to take mine as well. This is not supposed to happen in my way of thinking. So what do I do?
I found myself and still find myself linning up things. I make lists of things to do before the transplant. I think of projects that cannot wait until after I return. In other words all the pluses of this orientation to life can still be helpful. I also find myself taking a page from Lynne's book. So I just stopped and smelled those roses she just planted in my mind. I do not know what to expect in the next 3 months. I can imagine a scenic road if I try real hard but it does not last long because there is a lot of traffic on it and a lot of Mac trucks and flat beds and step hills and sudden drops and as of yet I do not see the end so I will imagine it for now and yes there are some roses over there by that fence along the side there.
So press on we will along fences and roses.
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