I Got Knocked Down

It seems like it should be different. It should look a whole lot rosier, but it is not. I have totally lost my appetite.  I have lost 20 pounds in the last 3 weeks.There is just no hunger. I also cannot sleep. I have used sleep aids for 3 nights now.  One night it never phased me . Last night they switched  to another brand and I did get some deep sleep for about 3 hours. I have been having headaches and at 4 this morning I had to take something for it, it was so bad. I am scheduled for my last of 4 immunoglobuulin infusions today. I have no temperature, but still have a runny nose and a cough. The neutrophil count is still low despite 3 neupogen shots. They hope it is all headed towards my system handling it with all these boosters. I got to tell you it doesn't feel that way. The doctors have assured me the stem cell transplant is doing well. So why am I so down? I should be celebrating new life. As I thought about  all of this the other day I began to think of Josh. Remember his line?

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down

 It was his mantra. The gift of life should have been his and not mine. I thought I had cone to terms with this survivors guilt, and yet it all seems to fit that I don't deserve this chance. And it all gets pretty raw. Rationally I know I do not need to feel this way. I also am not a totally rational being and it is amazing how deep the feelings and emotions can control behavior. Weight lose, appetite lose, insomnia, an infection, despondence ,severe headaches - it's time to get some emotional support. Isaac has been pushing for that for some time and Lynne agrees  that I get some help in this area. If I were to look at myself as though it were a case study, it's a no-brainer. I tend to want to handle it myself. So Josh's mantra has a lot to commend itself to me, to get up, to keep going .

This blog has been several days in the making. I came into the hospital on Aug. 21st. Today is the 28th. Maybe today. Maybe tomorrow. It has been a long haul.  "It's time to get up again". Lynne has spent her birthday here at MD Anderson the last 3 years, once with Josh and  now 2 years with me. It's time to change this.