Cancer Changes Everything

Today is not a "good day" as I look out at the world. I did not hear the alarm for at least 10 minutes. I was in a deep sleep, something I cherish of late and not very frequent. We have had ant problems in our house despite multiple treatments around the foundation. For some reason they have infiltrated my bedroom and they have taken over my bed. Lynne has changed the linen repeatedly and yet last night there they were again. So I felt irritated when I woke up. I have a 7:30 appointment at MDA and will be there all day, also a source of irritation. I get ready and then I cannot find my wallet. Then it hits me, I left it in the work truck and Pedro has the truck. I manage to coordinate with Pedro to meet him at his apartment to pick it up. On the way I realize I am still in my slippers. I forgot to put on my shoes. So I make it to MDA and my first stop is to have blood work drawn, usually routine. Not today. First stick, a little blood. The phlebotomist tries to move the needle  back into the vein. Ouch! Let's try the other arm. That one resulted in only producing more pain. There is a rule. You get 2 tries, that's it. Bring in someone else. He gets it first stick. The worst ever was 3 different nurses and 5 sticks. That brings us to the present and it is only 8:30. That leaves the rest of the day for much more to set me off. Here's the thing. None of these are catastrophic or big deals or that big a deal. It goes more to my state of mind. I am feeling tired of being here at MDA, for what seems like forever. I don't like to be constantly struggling with this disease and being constantly reminded of it. I have developed arthritis in the shoulders and probably in the back as well. Next week they will do steroid shots for the rotator cuffs and check for torn ligaments. I struggle some days with growing old gracefully and try hard to remember to be thankful to be alive. There are some days I can do that and when Lynne asks, "Are you OK", I try to answer, "I will be". Other days it's a crape shoot. Today is one of them. Can it just be over?

 

Ecclesiastes 12

New International Version (NIV)

12 Remember your Creator
in the days of your youth,
before the days of trouble come
and the years approach when you will say,
“I find no pleasure in them”—
² before the sun and the light
and the moon and the stars grow dark,
and the clouds return after the rain;
³ when the keepers of the house tremble,
and the strong men stoop,
when the grinders cease because they are few,
and those looking through the windows grow dim;
⁴ when the doors to the street are closed
and the sound of grinding fades;
when people rise up at the sound of birds,
but all their songs grow faint;
⁵ when people are afraid of heights
and of dangers in the streets;
when the almond tree blossoms
and the grasshopper drags itself along
and desire no longer is stirred.
Then people go to their eternal home
and mourners go about the streets.

⁶ Remember him—before the silver cord is severed,
and the golden bowl is broken;
before the pitcher is shattered at the spring,
and the wheel broken at the well,
⁷ and the dust returns to the ground it came from,
and the spirit returns to God who gave it.

⁸ “Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher.^[a]
“Everything is meaningless!”

The Conclusion of the Matter

⁹ Not only was the Teacher wise, but he also imparted knowledge to the people. He pondered and searched out and set in order many proverbs. ¹⁰ The Teacher searched to find just the right words, and what he wrote was upright and true.
¹¹ The words of the wise are like goads, their collected sayings like firmly embedded nails—given by one shepherd.^{[b] 12} Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them.
Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body.

¹³ Now all has been heard;
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
¹⁴ For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.

Quick Update

It has been awhile since last I posted. In the mean time we have been harvesting from the garden in abundance. We have been eating beans and potatoes for at least a month now. Beans are pretty much done in this heat. We only dig the potatoes when we need them. Cucumbers have been good as well. Now that we are close to hitting the triple digits in the shade that part of the garden is done 'til fall. The tomatoes are just coming in now and we get about a month of those before the heat gets them.

I have been doing well. I'm slowly stepping down on my immune suppressing meds and in a couple of weeks I should be off them altogether. That changes everything. I will begin to be able to participate in the things of day to day life more. I just finished my 15 month post transplant check-up and the results of the CT and Bone Marrow Biopsy should be back any day now. I am keeping busy with equipment in the morning and come inside in the afternoon heat and sun. I will give the results latter this week.