The Road I Don't Travel Well

Sometimes there is not much to say about my health except I keep chugging along. I did have a scare about a month ago. I started to have an elevated temperature and after monitoring for about 2 hours it did go up to 101 , and that is "Head for the ER" time. My first reaction was frustration and anger. "Come on now. Is this going to happen for the rest of my life?" I'm not sure to whom  I was addressing that question. It's one of those questions I ask when I know the correct answer and I would rather live in denial, that I am normal now and I can handle these things. It's just a temperature, even babies handle slight elevations. After a couple of days in the hospital, nothing showed up in any of the tests to explain why this happened. My atrial fibrillation started to act up and that became more of an issue. When that happens we usually increase the metoprolol. That medication not only slows the heart but also decreases blood pressure. Mine was low and protocol for the staff is that they cannot give me my meds. Finally someone authorized changing the numbers and I get the meds and the heart rate goes back to normal. The cardiologist recommended a new medication and it, however, did not work very well so I am back on the meds I had before with a slight increase.

Isaac was there when I asked the rhetorical question and he reminded me of the patient who had been visiting family. She was 7 years post transplant and yet, here she was in the hospital. They thought she picked up something in a salad bar at a restaurant. And there was the man who had developed an infection in the face and they had to do surgery to try and remove it. I do so hope that is my last trip to the ER. I find it hard to say, "It won't be".  Anger has subsided and I have moved more to acceptance. I certainly am not there yet as I experienced one more time "the rush to the ER".

Slowly but surely I grieve the loss of health and move to accepting who I am now. I'm not there yet but I see the road ahead of me.

A Housing Glut

In the world of birds for some of them there seems to be an abundance of nesting possibilities at least for those that like to live in those holes in the trees. After the draught took a huge toll on the pine trees in our area over the last few years there are a lot of dead trees that are still standing. The woodpeckers have a veritable smorgasbord of grubs and bugs and have left behind plenty of holes in their pantry of trees and the birds like starlings, bluebirds, owls, woodpeckers and the list goes on and according to one source, 85  different species nest in the cavities of these dead trees throughout the country. These trees are often seen as unsightly and a fire hazard and are cut down as soon as possible in both forested and urban areas. And then we say to ourselves, "Ah, that's better.". I have enjoyed the extra bird traffic this year because of these dead trees that we have and perhaps the upside of the draught will be more habitats for our fine feathered friends

The Cycles of Things

We have sprung into spring and although that may be a hard sell to some folks up north, the calendar says it usually comes about now, give or take a week or so. For us in the Gulf Coast, it is here, complete with the pollen clouding the air.

The last few weeks I have been feeling the urge to get out and get going and that is the seasonal part of my cycle in the past. I have been feeling well and energy level was good. I felt that this was a definite improvement over last year. I had just celebrated my 2nd anniversary of the Stem Cell Transplant. This was great. Then last Saturday I began to have a fever and it was high 90's at first and then just over 100 and up to 101 at a point. We have been instructed that I go to MDA emergency immediately if it reaches 100.4. Dang it. So we head down and by 4 am I am in a hospital bed, with antibiotics and fluids. It was also a time that my afib starts up so I am hooked up with a monitor as well. By Monday morning some of the results come in and there are no infections and I also get a consult with a cardiologist and they said we could try another medication to control the afib. Isaac was downtown and waited the hours that it took to my discharge.

It was a excellent example that I must be aware that I am always at risk for a flair up of some kind or another. They found nothing and that is good. One time they had discharged me and as we were leaving the parking lot they called me back to say something had shown up and I needed to stay a little longer.

In the mean time Isaac said I had become dehydrated and also lost weight. I had not noticed. So some new challenges still lie ahead. I am at home and I still feel well and it has been a good week. Today I work on the garden. It will be good therapy. Thanks Lynne and Isaac, left to myself I may not have gone in and intellectually I know that can be dangerous and life threatening. Thanks again.

I'm 2 Years Old Today

So today, Lynne and I, along with Isaac and Katie, sat down and broke bread together on the occasion of the 2 year anniversary of my Stem Cell Transplant. My sincere gratitude and thanks go out again, to Brian Re, my donor. I will forever remember him and each year the gift is more treasured. Thanks again Brian. This past week I have felt fantastic and each month I feel stronger. I thank God for all these wonderful gifts.

"He Descended Into Hell" Yours And Mine - I Gotta Have It

"I believe in......." and on and on we went, all with one voice, the congregation did, as we stated our faith with the words of The Apostle's Creed.  We knew it by heart, we did. Just in case some one did not it was printed out for them or if you were a little uncertain you could follow the words. As we are professing our faith I'm looking at the floor, what else can you do with your eyes anyway and I find it is a good way for me to focus on the verbal. "Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the virgin Mary: Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried. The third day............ ... "Wait a minute. Back up there a second. You missed a part, that part about, he descended into hell." I know, I know, some of the early transcripts do not have this or did not include, the descending into hell. So some Churches do not include it. I know all that. What I experienced was that something was missing and it came so suddenly that my first reaction was, "I have to have that. He had to descend in the depths of hell, the hell of suffering and pain, the hell that the righteous and the unrighteous both endure, especially the righteous who intuitively have seen their righteousness as a, 'Get out of jail free' card. How can he know my or anyone else's suffering?"

  A psalm of David. Psalm 22

¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
    Why are you so far from saving me,
    so far from my cries of anguish?
² My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
    by night, but I find no rest.^[b]  

     

 

New International Version (NIV) Matt. 27:45&46

The Death of Jesus

⁴⁵ From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. ⁴⁶ About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eli, Eli,^[a] lema sabachthani?” (which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”).


Yes acquainted with all the slings and arrows that flesh is heir to as Mr. Shakespeare would say.

Cross references:

1. Matthew 27:45 : 27:45-56pp — Mk 15:33-41; Lk 23:44-49; Jn 19:29-30
2. Matthew 27:45 : Am 8:9
3. Matthew 27:46 : Ps 22:1

 

 

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Today

—Rev. Thomas A. Dorsey

Take My Hand, Precious Lord

Precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, let me stand
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn
Thru the storm, thru the night, lead me on the light
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When my way grows drear, precious Lord, linger near
When my life almost gone
Hear my cry, hear my call, hold my hand lest I fall
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.

When the darkness appears and the night draws near
And the day is past and gone
At the river I stand, guide my feet, hold my hand
Take my hand, precious Lord, lead me home.


     The choir was singing this hymn with all the emotion that a choir can. They harmonized, they swayed, they lent their own feelings to the lyrics and to the melody. It truly was beautiful. It was as though everyone was acquainted with the metaphors of death and dying. It was powerful.
     All through the hymn I flashed to some of the times that I had felt those feelings, that part about, I am tired, I am weak, I am worn, especially most recently in the last 3 years, but they are not the same any more. I am no longer tired or weak or worn maybe a bit on the worn side but not in the sense of "at the river I stand". And it struck me - that is no longer me. Oh how far I have come. Oh sure, life will never be like it was, healthwise. I can't do what I used to do and "I ain't half the man I used to be". And yet it is not a cause for feeling bitter or cheated, although I have courted those inclinations at times. It was, instead a wonderful feeling of being whole, of being healed.
     As I write this I am at MDA for a CT scan and a bone marrow biopsy, usually done every 3 months, now at 6 months. I will also see Dr. Khouri and it has been about 8 weeks since I have seen him and it was usually every 2 to 3 weeks. I have more energy and overall recovering well.  There is much, so very much, for which I am thankful.

The Slippery Slope

My health is good. There is nothing that is creeping in except........ and that is always the clincher. It seems like every ache and pain is the next catastrophic threat, in my mind, coming down the tube at  me. It's official now. I'm paranoid and a hypochondriac with tendencies to illusions and vivid imaginings. A twitch in the eye, an ache in the thumb, a chill in a toe, a sneeze. Why any one of these could be my impending doom. Slowly I talk myself off that slope. I shrug my shoulders and say to myself, "silly me".

Sometimes there are too many stories out there of folks having bad outcomes. Isaac said, "You and Google. A dangerous pair." I was told early on, to stay off Google and then also told, an informed patient is a better.....Wait, back up. That's it. That word patient. It speaks volumes. Every day, all day, I am a patient. When I get up in the morning I move my hands, then my fingers, especially my thumbs. Has the neuropathy moved further? I do the same with my feet. I check my throat. Is there any soreness? Mucous? Any fever? That itch? GVHD? Even as I write this, my right eye is watering and the vision is a little blurry. I did have indications of cataracts beginning, according to the ophthalmologist. Maybe it is changing. I stopped just now to massage my right thumb to relieve the numbness of the neuropathy. I had 13 appointments for Oct. and Nov. They are still poking and prodding and medicating and testing and boring into bones and spinning the CTs and MRIs peering inward where eyes have never gone before, to get a better look. These are sharp things, loud things, distasteful things, embarrassing things. For almost every appointment, they ask me to remove my clothing. Really? I have a theory about that. It is so you won't run away when they come at you with their poking and prodding and boring and spinning and such. I'm not a normal person anymore. Lynne says I never was.

 They are watching and looking for anomalies, bad things, dangerous things in order to intercept and remedy. Seriously though, they really are good and well intended people and I mean them no disrespect. They are my friends. The truth be known? I tire of being a patient and walking slippery slopes and losing my balance and afraid of sliding aaaalllllll the way down. After awhile I get to, "Silly me".