The Private Grief Continues

It has been 2 years now since Josh died. It is still very painful, the remembering. I have nothing much to say or add to that because our remembering  and continued grieving is very much a familial grief. This past weekend Lynne and I went to Dallas and we saw Kate confirmed and had a part in the service. The Gospel was John 14:25-31. Only we knew that the first part of John 14 was the scripture for Josh's funeral and now the last part for Kate's confirmation.  All of this very private and known only to family. The public grief of 2 years ago has moved to private grief and the waves of emotions today will be tearful and great. Josh we miss you.

Shifting and Maturing, The Days of No More Options

All the things Dr. Khouri said were and are good ideas. No sunshine, no heat, no fresh fruits or vegetables, (well actually they are okay now), no gardening or else. I admit to crossing the lines. I have come to appreciate how entrenched my orientation to life is, which includes what I do and how I do it and it is not easy to change. The hardest one for me is to stay out of the heat and out the sunshine. Dah! I have lived outdoors. Now what am I to do? I remember hearing echoes from an earlier time that I needed to develop hobbies for the time when I would be retired and needed things to engage me. Well all of those plans had included the outdoors and dirt and plants and gardens and sunshine and heat and nothing on that list included the indoors or indoor activities. Wait a minute this doesn't work. When I stayed indoors I got bored. I do not read and do not enjoy reading. I fall asleep during movies. And after awhile I am in Lynne's hair. I have come up with some partial solutions. I go out early in the morning before the sun is overhead and it is hot and  I do what I need to then. I have crossed the line on working in the garden and I do use the riding mowers when it comes to yard work and there seems to be a good balance there. I know there are risks and it is  calculated into this. I do much better with this new balance and function better. I had some of my best results so far on my blood counts this past month and the Dr. has reduced the immune suppressing drugs by a third this past month. That's the one that gives the stem cells and my body a chance to get along. It is also the one that puts a strain on the organs like the kidneys and depletes the magnesium. So that was a big step. As to the garden we have been digging potatoes, started picking beans and the cucumbers are just about ready to start and the tomatoes are beginning as well. The peppers will be awhile yet, and the herbs have been ready for some time now.

So I'm finding ways  to live out these last years of my life and they are just that, the last years, perhaps 5 more according to stats for stem cell transplant patients. I've come to look at them as the Days of No More Options. I must make the most of them.